Should I stay [at home] or should I go [to work]?

For some the question of staying at home or going back to work once a child has arrived is easy to answer: financial necessity. The mother has to go back to work but may feel slightly differently about work whilst being away from the little ones. A promising career, solid opportunities to advance professionally, or just a sense of not wanting to lose identity and independence may indeed clinch the deal for not staying at home.

I fall in a different category all together. I honestly believe that I should raise my own daughters but now find it harder to do so as the years have gone by. There are days which are full of reproductive regrets but then most parents feel that way at times. Were I to go back to work soon (it is on the cards) I would be filled with latent Catholic guilt (Dad is lapsed) but this should be balanced with my brother's atheism.

I have been at home for over 5 years and I am really finding it tough to find my place and find an identity that is not linked to small children. Thank heavens for the band and all the fun associated with it. There are days when I consider that I am losing the tenuous grip I have on my sanity. My sense of me seems to have all but diminished and I find myself having to justify my position of raising my girls. Am I justifying it to myself? I was on a site sharing a profile and could not bear to put that I was a Stay-at-home- Mum (SAM) so I used a different profession.

I did have a job and profession before kids (teaching) and I crave it but then know that I would miss out on the girls and their developments. It is also such a short time in the grand scheme of things but it drags. Luckily teaching is a profession that is always looking for people.

When I see the girls and see what they can do and how they have blossomed I know that I have had a huge part in that and soon enough I will not be having the same influence.

OK I could quit the whining and make a decision but I find it so hard think about leaving the girls then knowing that I would love it so much once I did- back to the guilt thing.

I suppose it boils down to finding time for me and making sure that I do not forget who I am. There is no I in mother just me.