Addendum to Loss

My last posting had been about making a profit from a blog when the one before had been about the loss of a child. It almost felt as if I were trivialising such a tragic event but nothing can be further from the truth.

I have spent so much time thinking about the loss of this child and have had to just get on with things as I do not want my own girls to know what I am thinking. I believe I should shield them from the harsher sides of life.

This made me think of how the parents, my friends, are dealing. Do they just put on a brave face when they don't feel like going on? Are they shielding their daughter, naturally, and finding explanations of a sibling's absence unbelievably painful?

How are they coping with reactions from others? Have they been supported or have they wanted to punch someone who suggested that heaven had a new angel? I know I would have violent thoughts at a well-intentioned yet badly placed remark.

What hit me hardest was the milestones that had been anticipated: first smile, first Christmas, first steps, etc. but would never materialise. This year is going to be so tough as there is so much that should have happened but won't, constant reminders of what should have been. Christmas will be very strange this year for the family and I just don't know how they get through the days.

I am at a loss myself to begin to comprehend their pain.

Blogging it Mummy Style

I was reading an article in the SF Chronicle- a poor example of journalism at best- and there was an article about Mothers blogging. It will hardly come as a surprise that mothers are more likely than other demographics to blog as they wish to vent having spent time with the little darlings (I use the term advisedly). What surprised me was how much money was to be made from this venture.

OK I can be naive and rather dense at times but had thought that the blog was an arena to just communicate not profit. There I go sounding all bohemian. Other mothers' blogs have been entertaining but I just saw them as a a reflection rather than product. There were ladies who were raking it in and living comfortably off the income from their blog. As one lady wrote you get little respect when you don't earn any money. Try being a musician and writer !

Once again I thought a blog was something you wrote when you had a few moments as you wanted to just have time to gather your thoughts and put them out there in the hope that someone would read them and not a professional venture. Looks like I missed the point then.

I have not regaled the world with tales of breastfeeding partly because I gave up over a year ago and wondered who would find it interesting. There have been days when the girls have driven me to distraction and I have wanted to take up smoking or at least sit in a darkened room and tally the number of years until the little angels went to college.

How would I put this blog into a product? T-shirts- slogans- Mummy knows best? Memoirs- the trying years? Oh dear what next?

I just like rambling and have no head for business as is obvious but I love the idea that there is solidarity amongst stay-at-home mothers in whatever form. We need to support each other through good and bad times and raise a glass to something no matter how trivial.

Talking of trivial it is time to cook dinner, unsaddle and feed the high horse and keep the superhero cape hidden until it is really needed.

Loss

I had a great email from an old and dear friend of mine. I love getting his emails as they are so funny and adventurous. He is a helicopter instructor in the Navy so his life is slightly different from mine and I love the way he spins a yarn. We've been friends for almost 20 years and I am god-mother to his daughter, a delightful little thing.

As I read with amusement about his most recent trip overseas his email took a sharp and unexpected turn.

He informed me that they were mourning the loss of their second daughter. I was unaware that his wife was pregnant but to hear news of this nature shook and still does and I am not the emotional type.

The little lady was born 13 weeks premature with complications and lived for an hour; 60 minutes of life. All the hopes of being a sibling, a laughing little bundle of mischief and the possibility of being a responsible adult who could change the world were shattered and with it I expect the lives of the parents. How do you put on a brave face for your other daughter when inside you feel like you have been ripped apart?

I don't know what to say to my friend and his wife and that is all I can say. I just wish I could do something. I am a mother myself so this kind of loss is unfathomable. I don't know the pain they are suffering or how they can pick themselves up and face life knowing that they are missing one family member.

Is life fair? No. Do we realise what we have? No. Do we ever really love like it is our last day? No.

My heart goes out to them and to everyone who has lost someone.

Nothing much to report

It would seem that when you stay at home bugger all happens and hence there is a lack of anything of interest to report. I hope this will not be an epitaph- nothing much to report. I much prefer, "Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed". There being a sense of not completed what you set out to do. Boy do I know that feeling. But by damn I will make my professional mark and the world will take note.

I can't believe that women in previous generations slapped on a happy cheery made-up face in this situation then smiled and grinned and bore- maybe emancipation did create its own issues. Can you have a career and kids? I don't think so- luckily nothing can be hurled at me but insults and these shoulders are broad. As for burning bras- too many women shouldn't have done that for the sole reason that the damaged their knees and backs! I am trying to get rid of that image and I have just eaten.

But in amongst all this there is a sense of freedom and exploration gained from writing a blog- the world opens up and the mind just frees itself. I have even got my Dad to write one which is a glorious thing to behold. He, like me, loves politics and social commentary. He writes acerbically and observes cynically but at least he is rising above apathy. Well done Dad.

Regarding politics everyone has a view on Senator Clinton's withdrawal from the Democratic race and Senator Obama's historic nomination for president. I hope he makes it purely for change but is America ready? It is not my country so does it matter what I think when I can't vote?

So, thinking back there is something to report- we are all alive in one way or another and just have to remember that. I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and pick myself up and bloody well get on with it and make sure that my girls become strong women with a cynical nature-it will help them later.

Cookies and a movie beckon- now that is news!

Things I simply have to do:

1. Learn how to use nipple tassels to dazzling effect. As my boobs are dwindling -this is not through surgery- I better hurry up. I think it would be such a great party piece and could liven any dull meeting.

2. Become a writer of note though this is not a fine example of my literary capabilities- so I better improve my style, grammar, etc. I have perfected my Oscar acceptance speech for best adapted screenplay for my novel- a work with my dear friend Julian. I suppose I better tell him.I am not telling you the title yet either! Erotica appeals as I find it hysterical.

3. Have more patience with the kids. Practice, practice, practice.......

4. Improve my whistle technique and that can be taken as seen fit! Need a few more rolls and a greater sense of the music. Would love to play in a pub in the Gaeltacht surrounded by appreciative drunks- you know the emotional types.

5.Get my motorbike licence. Is there anything cooler than arriving to a job on a bike? No helmets do not fit the way they do in the commercials and the hair does not flow more like stick to the head. If it rains it is a bugger though and I hear the drowned rat look is not 'in' this season.

Friends

It was great to catch up with an old friend today and watch as our kids played well together. He and I have known each other since before children (BC) and I wonder how life BC and my mummy persona clash. I was the one who said I was never going to have kids and have had many people remind me of the fact.

Anyway back to the point. The older I get the more I keep in touch with friends from various stages in my life: primary school, high school, etc. Am I dwelling on the past too much wondering what might have been? Carpe diem isn't that the way it is supposed to be- I like a mix of old and new.

Some people just touch your lives and you know that you want them to be a part in your life in whatever capacity and for as long as it lasts.

The muse is not upon me tonight so I will leave this. Just wanted to say that my friends mean so much in their own special ways.

Should I stay [at home] or should I go [to work]?

For some the question of staying at home or going back to work once a child has arrived is easy to answer: financial necessity. The mother has to go back to work but may feel slightly differently about work whilst being away from the little ones. A promising career, solid opportunities to advance professionally, or just a sense of not wanting to lose identity and independence may indeed clinch the deal for not staying at home.

I fall in a different category all together. I honestly believe that I should raise my own daughters but now find it harder to do so as the years have gone by. There are days which are full of reproductive regrets but then most parents feel that way at times. Were I to go back to work soon (it is on the cards) I would be filled with latent Catholic guilt (Dad is lapsed) but this should be balanced with my brother's atheism.

I have been at home for over 5 years and I am really finding it tough to find my place and find an identity that is not linked to small children. Thank heavens for the band and all the fun associated with it. There are days when I consider that I am losing the tenuous grip I have on my sanity. My sense of me seems to have all but diminished and I find myself having to justify my position of raising my girls. Am I justifying it to myself? I was on a site sharing a profile and could not bear to put that I was a Stay-at-home- Mum (SAM) so I used a different profession.

I did have a job and profession before kids (teaching) and I crave it but then know that I would miss out on the girls and their developments. It is also such a short time in the grand scheme of things but it drags. Luckily teaching is a profession that is always looking for people.

When I see the girls and see what they can do and how they have blossomed I know that I have had a huge part in that and soon enough I will not be having the same influence.

OK I could quit the whining and make a decision but I find it so hard think about leaving the girls then knowing that I would love it so much once I did- back to the guilt thing.

I suppose it boils down to finding time for me and making sure that I do not forget who I am. There is no I in mother just me.